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| What my heart says about me |
| 11.19.03 (11:56 am) [edit] |
So I've decided to start this blog thing today. Well actually at first i thought nah...changed my mind. But right now I just feel so :( and i need to just express myself, let this things inside of me out.
For the whole of today I felt empty, very empty. I moped around college, not sure exactly what was wrong, but just empty inside. It got to a point that even the cigarrette in my hand was beginning to annoy me. I rinked so much of it...my breath, my hands, my clothes. Even the taste of my mouth I hated so much...my whole mouth tasted nasty!
I asked myself why in the world was i smoking. No I didnt ask what was it doing for me, I need not ask, cos i know what my answer would have been. I'd come up with the same excuse i've heard other says that just seems so acceptable for smokers, if u know what i mean.
Instead i thought of the damages i was causing me....and the funny thing is it's not just lung cancer, it cervix cancer, it heart diseases, its premature ageing of the skin, it's stroke, and as a woman it's high chance of having miscarriages while pregnant or even having a child weighin smaller than it should. It's even more than this, but those were all i could remember, perhaps think off.
I really dont know what my problem is. I'm afraid for me cos as i see it, i am behaving so irresponsibily. I am hurting myself and I dont why, dont know for what reason, and i cant stop. I need help cos i cant stop. I cant stop hurting me. It's like sometimes I do the things i do to spite me...well that's the way i'm feeling about it now or looking at it now. What am i doing? i dont know. I really dont know...and i'm scared...i'm really scared.
That's all for today.....
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